No need to beat yourself up for it. Allow yourself.. period, actually.
Doing my fourth year of ashtanga yoga, from one class per week to one class and two times mysore each week, I can definitely say ashtanga has grown on me.
I would like to keep on growing into ashtanga. Saying this, I start to wonder what I actually mean?
Well, there are some goals to attain: practicing mysore 6 times a week (let’s say that counts for one goal, not six 🙂 )
Doing the full primary series.
I can tell you there are ways to reach these goals that are very hard. It depends on a lot: actual practice, what food you eat, being patient, surrender to what you encounter, learn about your body, time, practice, practice …
Being a sucker for logic I can however not extrapolate these things. Being MORE patient, practice MORE OFTEN, practice HARDER….these thing don’t quite work.
In my head I start to run in circles. I WANT to reach these goals.
I mean, I see the results of my practice up until now. I’ve grown stronger, more supple, maybe a bit more relaxed? Focussed without ENFORCIIING my focus ( yeah I know, that’s how I usually attack my obstacles)…..
Maybe this is what is going on: I see ashtanga as something to be conquered, to beat into submission. “Listen up body, mind…shut up and be a serene yogi already, aight?”
…
And here I was, wondering why after each class I was dead tired, needing a day to recover (including a two hour nap-o-the-dead).
All this fighting ‘to be in shape’.. I became desperate, frustrated, angry, annoyed at my teachers, other yogis, and of course at myself.
Let’s try something here: So maybe I have NOT been doing things wrong. Maybe I’ve come up close and personal with some of my own demons, or how you want to call them. Maybe I needed that to allow more kindness into my practice, even if that practice is not 6 days or even 2 days a week. Maybe there is joy to be found in practicing together. To show up without feeling yelled at like a drill sergeant
I found this article by Jacqueline Quattrocchi whom I don’t know, but yeah, thank you for writing it down.
With two weeks of vacation ahead, beautiful weather and a garden, I will keep on practicing.