Mieterse boel!!!

I do it each day, right in my daily journal note in emacs. I even created a macro that creates an easy to fill in table, like this:

The aim is to check in with yourself both physically, mentally and emotionally. Next is to score your vitality like it’s a battery charge. Lastly, I note what I am in need of.

• Physically, when I first started to write this down, I basically could only respond: ‘fine’, or sometimes ‘bad’. But it’s like an excercise where you keep getting better at the task. I started to be able to tell if my feet were warm, of I feel tension in my neck, are my shoulders hunched or relaxed, how does my back feel? Nothing I write down is bad, I just write down what I notice. And the thing is, I keep noticing more, or more details.
• Mentally has also seen some progress. At first it was just ‘nothing’, ’empty’, ‘quiet’, ‘fine’. But I’m starting to notice thoughts that occupy my mind. I’m thinking over stuff from the past, when my mother died, or things about the divorce. My thoughts are all over the place, I’ve got some song on repeat in my mind, what’s happening?
• Emotionally, that’s difficult for me. How do I feel? ‘fine?’ I don’t know! Calm, silent, empty, just…fine. Doing that for some weeks started to make me wonder. Do I not feel anything? Usually, when I’m writing this down, I’m focussed on the task at hand, ticking the boxes, checking the vitals. Feeling does not come into play. Oh really? Yeah! …No but..really?? Well, actually it kinda feels a bit bland or dry. Never really happy, nor really sad, nor really angry, or feisty, or naughty, mischievous, joyfull, compassionate, vibrant. The thing is, I also barely feel pain or alone, I almost never cry, I don’t feel despair nor bliss. It would be great if I could say that I’m enlightened such that I see past duality and illusion blabla. But this does not feel like enlightenment, it feels like a well functioning armour.
• Okay, next up: vitality. Usually that’s very easy for me. I see a number in my mind, say 70%, and immediately I know yes, or no more, or no less. Within 5 seconds I’ve found my energy level. Today was 85%, which was the highest in months. Interesting to note is that when I eat 6 white sandwiches (which is not uncommon) my vitality goes down. And when I eat 2 wholewheat brown sandwiches it goes up! huh. Lots of factors influence my vitality. Of course the amount of sleep I’ve had, but there’s an upper and lower limit so to speak. After 8 hours I don’t get more energy. 10 hours sleep and my vitality starts to go down. Somewhere between 7 and 8 hours of sleep is optimal for me, right now.
• Saved the best for last: What am I in need of. For the longest time it has been utterly silent inside. Then, gradually I would start to recognize some flimsy spec of what I need. I would like to drink a cup of coffee. I would like to take a hot shower. I need some quiet time for myself. I need a hug, or a caress. I would like to go outside with friends and banter, have some fun. I need to pick up meditation again.

Well, there was this documentary on the BBC once, about research at a middle school in Britain. Turned out girls had much more words available to them to express themselves than boys. The boys (age about 10, 11) could only say they were fine, or okay, or not. Whereas girls could say they were happy, sad, excited, playful, impatient, angry, confident or insecure and more. That stuck to me. Could it be that I lack the experience to express myself without thinking about it (like I do now, while writing this blog)? And yes I do think that’s the case. While practicing this seemingly simple vitality check, I discover new words, but also get more in touch with my body. I learn to ‘feel out’ my feelings and give them names, albeit very slowly and with no little trepidation (is that an english word?) Akin to fear. Opening up to what I feel also brings me more in touch with what I need, even more slowly, and even though it feels like a huge obstacle to get in touch with that part of me.

Maybe I’ll post this from my blog to mastodon as well, who knows if this rings someones bell? Be well.